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   So I was listening to Olds Sleeper's Born To Lose while eating my lunch, half watching

   the video, when out of the corner of my eye I caught an incongruity of a sort...  a ripple in 

   the fabric of reality, if you will.  Across the room from me was a television,  on but muted,

   set to CNN.  What should my eyes behold?  A so-called tech reporter.  Doing what,  you

   might ask?  She was idiotically strumming away at some sort of stringless digital electric

   guitar,  and looking mighty pleased with herself,  I might add.  All of a sudden,  the pizza in 

   my mouth tasted like a wad of mothballs.  I glanced back at Olds strummin' and a' singin'

   and,  for a split second,  instead of a big gleaming metal resonator with strings,  he was

   playing what she was playing... only his was mass-produced to look like a cigar box... A

   FAKE POLYPROPYLENE CIGAR BOX WITH NO STRINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not in any way shape or form ascribe any deep significance to this anomalous experience. I do not regard it as an epiphany or harbinger, and certainly do not consider it as having any foundation in objective causal reality. However, I experienced this waking nightmare, and have chosen to set it down here for posterity.

                                                       I'm hungry.  Can I have a cookie?  

                                                      Guess that was to much bourbon!

As of today, I have:

20 cbg's,

14 stick dulcimers,

4 lap dulcimers,

2 acoustic dreadnought guitars,

3 bass guitars,

4 electric guitars,

6 resonator guitars,  

2 parlor guitars,

1 tenor guitar,

1 classical guitar.

1 trace cubano guitar,

3 banjos,

3 native american flutes,

and a clarinet.

This is not counting the assorted odds and ends I'm messing about with...

Also,

7 amps,

2 portable audio recorders,

2 usb mikes.

The question is this:

SHOULD I BE COMMITTED? 

             It's here! New and improved GUITAR QUADRAMULADROITECS, without which all of  your stringed

             lutelike instruments---from the cream of the crop beauties being hand-sculpted at the Tsing-Jian

             Fender Guitars Factory & Chow Mein Refinery, down to those useless cigar box "guitars" being 

             churned out by chronic malcontents and affiliated hooligans---yes, ALL of your instruments, are

             completely and utterly USELESS!!!

             You NEED it now! You must, absolutely MUST, have the NEW! AND! IMPROVED! GQRLD-TEC!

             If you don't, then you are not only a total and abject loser, you're probably also some sort of

             goddamned terrorist. At least that's what your neighbors and family will think. In fact, if you don't

             order within the next fifteen minutes, we're calling the cops. I mean, really, it's not like the FBI doesn't

             already have people watching you, you stinking anti-American Jihadi. Order our product, and it will

             look good in your file... or else!

                                                      PO Box 666 Mammon, Mississippi 38769

So I was sitting,  mesmerized,  by the sight and sound,  this revelation,  this kazoo video,  "Hum... Don't Blow,"  featuring a mysterious white-bearded shaman named Captain Kazoo...  how best to describe it?  Methinks it begins,  innocently enough, much like the opening theme music to Hawaii Five-O,  then something,  something,  something...  the voice,  so soothing and innocent,  yet ever so relentlessly insistent...  then some other thing or other happens that sounds like exploding beans...  yes,  exploding beans,  and this apparently is this kazoo thing we have been waiting for...  and then comes the revelation,  that THE KAZOO IS NOTHING LESS THAN A SIGNIFIER OF THE 2012 MAYAN APOCALYPSE AND REAPING OF SOULS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Then I watched James video,  "Profane...ity, kazoo",  and everything was all right again.  Just another New Age moneymaking swindle...