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I'm a scientist.  I understand that correlation does not equal causation, but the mind does like to see patterns, even if it is with only three examples.

My first open mic was an unmitigated disaster.  I didn't practice, was a little arrogant about how I would perform and had expectations that could not be met.  I felt bad about my result, but challenged myself to do better a second time.

Second open mic was exactly the opposite.  There was a fellow cigar box builder in the audience.  I felt at ease.  No nerves at all and I felt like I killed it with a solid performance.  Lots of cheers and compliments.  I don't think my perception is skewed much from that of the audience, but maybe.  Still, I felt great afterwards.

My third open mic at Caffe Lena for the Saratoga Acoustic Blues Society was last night.  It was a small crowd of regulars, but two new faces who were experienced and talented guitar players added to the night.  My friend Ray, a Chemistry Prof from Skidmore College was the featured act and he brought his 1937 Martin.  What an amazing sounding guitar.  Truly incredible.  Another performer, Clancy, played slide for the first time and he did well.  Overall, these guys play more notes than I can hear with my eyes open.  Closing my eyes to just hear their performances is a real treat.  Many really great performances and their little goofs that frustrate them are hardly noticed.  I could just sit and listen and be very happy with my $5 spent on the night.

I was on the card early in the night as the third performer even though I put myself in the #5 or #6 slot.  Nevertheless, I felt ready.  I had  practiced a whole month.  A whole month.  Every day.  But something was different last night.  I struck up conversation with a couple of the guys near me, which is a feat in itself, but the room felt cold.  I was freezing.  No one else seemed to notice or mind.  I couldn't sit still in my chair and I was vibrating.  When I was called, I was visibly nervous.  Where does this come from?  I have demonstrated success here!  I know what I'm doing.  I am prepared.

I got up and spoke a little about my first song, Burying Ground, which I wrote a few years ago and which turtlehead beautifully arranged.  I took his vocal lead and chord progression, and played it similar to a video I posted recently.  Man, I stunk up the stage with it.  Tempo was rushed to start and only got worse.  I flubbed a IV chord that should have been V.  I missed notes everywhere and my vocals were shaky.  I intentionally skipped  the second to last verse.  I could have walked off stage, but I remained.

My second song really put me out there, way outside my comfort zone.  I did the classic Son House song "Grinnin' In Your Face."  Everyone chases this song that is simply vocals and clapping hands.  It is an example of perfection.  What am I doing attempting this song?  I gave the audience the intro for the song, mentioning that I would have to play two notes for the song since I am no Son House.  I simply played B flat and F to guide my vocals.  But you really have to let go of everything to do this song.  I closed my eyes hard pointed my face at the lights in front of me.  There is no holding anything back and only in my superhero dreams am I Wolverine enough to do this song.  But I did it, and I think I did well.  Better than Aquaman, not as good as Ghost Rider.

My third song was "You Are My Sunshine" sort of in the style of Jamey Johnson and like the video I posted recently.  I think it took everyone by surprise and I played it well, without mistakes.  My legs were shaking the whole time though.  Nerves.  Nervous nerves.  I think I could do better, but finished strong.

So why the nerves? I knew most of these guys and they know me.  Everyone is friendly and I have a friend in the bunch.  We laugh and joke that I can drop my guitar in a ditch and not make a bit of difference.

Well, I didn't have a brother in the crowd.  A fellow builder.  I met Ron Whitford at last month's open mic and while I'm normally not a guy to greet new faces warmly, he brought a CB Uke he built and was proud of.  I felt great as he showed it to me.  There is something different about anyone who enjoys making CBGs and similar instruments.  We're a little strange to everyone around us, but like-minded and fit perfectly together.

Last night, Ron had other plans and couldn't make it.  The room wasn't any different, but it felt different and it impacted my performance.  How do I get past this feeling of cold sterility?  The other performers don't feel it or don't let it impact their great performances?  

Being a scientist, I have a strong need for control.  Control all conditions.  If I must do something, I must do it well and omit as many chances for error in my work as possible.  Review everything critically.  Prepare, prepare, prepare.  I did all that.  I video taped my practice and made improvements.  Even with a strong middle and OK finish, my opening number was stinky enough to ruin the batch.  Everyone is going to remember my shaking legs.

Last night, I found a solution for one thing I cannot control which is attendance.  I am going to ensure there is a CBG player in the crowd.  I'll simply bring an extra guitar, hand it to someone before the show starts and make them my surrogate.  Control all variables.  Through control or simple stubborn persistence, I am going to wrestle this pig into submission and make it my pet.  Next month is coming at me.